I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
