i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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