Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
