i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
