Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
