Will you blow on my dice?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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