someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
