from now on my penis is your penis
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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