Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
