My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
