I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
