I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My pussy is not your playground.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
