I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
