This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
