her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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