oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
