got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
