Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
