it was like having sex with a tree stump
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
