i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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