where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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