If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
