I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
