You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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