she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
