I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
