I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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