haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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