so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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