I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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