I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
