My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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