Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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