put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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