mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
