My first STD was from a foam party
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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