Define "chronic" masturbator.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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