I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
