Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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