you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
