So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm both gender and math confused
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
