Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
