Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
