It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
