If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
