if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
