So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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