I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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