I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
