I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My liver just had a heart attack.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
