4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
he fucked my hip out of place.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
