and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
